Why Hinge doesn’t hinge

Recently I went out for drinks with a friend and she announced to the other people with us that I am “searching” and so the conversation quickly went to dating. I showed some of the pics from people that had contacted me on OKC, and as I was lamenting the lack of “potential suiters” one of her friends looked at me in amazement and said “Are you not using Hinge?”

Hinge?  I had never heard of Hinge. I had heard of Tinder and although I never checked it out, I know it’s not for me. Hinge, on the other hand, I liked immediately as I downloaded it.

  • No profile writing required
  • It connects to your Facebook profile and displays your stats (town you are from, schools you went to, where you work, height, etc)
  • It displays some of your pics you have on FB but smartly eliminates those that you may not want to show (maybe those with your ex)

The basics are there – aside from their looks you get a good idea about their life – job, education, hobbies, friends, providing a baseline and eliminating the need for the dull intro questions that are needed even on the sites that require profile writing, because they never show specifics.

You get a batch of potential matches a few times per day based on your connections. Bummer, I thought, because my friend list is small (under 100) and I don’t really connect to work acquaintances on Facebook. That’s what LinkedIn is for. Most of my friends are in other places of the world. Some of them don’t even use Facebook. So at the beginning Hinge struggled a bit finding me matches that I was interested in, but I think it spun its net a little wider and now I get pretty good results. It knows what I want.

As yIMG_6187[1]ou peruse the options (one at the time), you have to select between a HEART and an X. Cool so far.  If someone also selected you with a HEART then it’s a match. Exciting, I thought. Immediate results! This is easy. But then the hard part starts – someone has to initiate contact by sending a message. First,
I waited. Lets see, I thought. But nobody wrote me. After a week, and a glass of wine, I wrote 5 of my matches. No response. And no, I was not particularly clever with my notes. Don’t all conversation in this country start with “Hi, how are you?”

It didn’t make sense – why doesn’t anyone write? They clearly liked me. The “hearted” me.

It all reminds me a lot of job searching. There is the awesome job description that fits my experience perfectly. I apply and never hear back.

I am really struggling with finding answers to my questions. I did a little bit of research. This article addresses some of these questions from a guys perspective and related to Tinder, but it doesn’t really help me.

So I did a little bit more searching inside myself, because I realized: I do the same thing. On OKC I do it. People write me and first I write back, or I write them and they wrote back, but then I just didn’t answer anymore. Why?

  1. The main reason, I believe, is this: They are not THE ONE. Plain and simple. If you are out there looking for an LTR, then you are looking for the One. I liked one or two aspects of them, and that’s why I clicked. Looks ok, works at Stanford, pic in front of the Eiffel Tower, has to be a great guy. But then I look again, and again, and I realize He is not it.
  2. After two weeks on Hinge I realized – there are a lot of people on there with GREAT jobs. Everyone seems to travel these days. Most all look decent too. So – maybe I got pickier. That could be reason number 2 – large pool of fish to choose from – we become selective. I can say this – all the matches that I have now – or call them connections – I look through them all once a week or so and almost all of them I would say NO to if they asked me out. There is usually just one that I really like. That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t like to chat with all of them at least a bit. Which brings me to number 3:
  3. It’s also a matter of time I barely have time to respond to my friends’ text messages. Now I have these messages from guys where I really want to pay attention to what I write, so they take more time to compose than a normal text. I know women are good at multi-tasking and I think we are the ones sitting and waiting for these men to write us. But I think men are much more single-focused and probably lock in on one or two people instead of multiple women. This brings me to number 4:
  4. People may already be talking to one or 2 connections they really like. So – they are selective. I am just not a priority right now. They could be travelling for work, simply busy, etc.
  5. Online is not the only way to meet people. People also still in meet in person and we have to assume that, while they are on Hinge, they may have met a great person last Friday at Happy Hour that they are now talking to.

So – here is my conclusion from all this and my plan to move forward:

  • I am not going to rely on Hinge to deliver The One to me. Meaning – I will not waste my day wondering why nobody writes. Hinge is just one more tool to give me online presence. I will keep clinking away and I will leave the rest up to the Universe. If its meant to happen it will. Desperation is not a good starting point anyway.
  • I will selectively write people if I feel they are a great match. But I will do more due diligence to composing a creative message. I will study their pics in detail, and find something that could relate to them. A compliment is always a nice way to start the conversation.
  • I am looking at Hinge as a connection tool. On OKC, I talk to people on Monday and we meet on Friday. On Hinge, since connections are established daily (I create about 1-4 matches per day), just imagine – that means the same or better for others. So yes – it’s a great and quick way to build a connection with a picture, but actually talking? Much more competition. I will roll with that. Just because you connect doesn’t mean you are immediately ready to meet. The people I am talking to now wrote me after a several days of being “matched.” Their answers back to me also take several days. That’s Hinge.

Again – dating takes time. At least for me.



The Resident Dating Life

Yesterday evening I went to see Kathryn Alice speak, a famous dating coach who has made a business out of helping people find their soulmate. I am fascinated with her work because it sounds all so simple. I love simple things.  A summary of the evening:

  • The room was 95% women. Nice women. All looking for the one. I wanted to hug them all.DSC_2995
  • She dedicated 1.5 hours to us, however most of the time she made us work. She gave us group activities such as speaking about what we are looking for in our soulmate, what our beliefs are about ourselves, etc.
  • She lectured very little. Her power point didn’t have more than 10 slides.
  • She did well advertising her books and CDs and her “regular fees” which range in the 000000000s (oops, stuck key)
  • She made a soul call meditation which I liked most. Felt great afterwards.
  • Bought a copy of her book and she signed it for me. $15 investment. Cheaper on Amazon but I wanted to support the bookstore that put the event on for free.

So – The resident is dating. This tagline alone deserves sentence after sentence of explanation and clarification. In honor of your time I will summarize: I am “out there” looking for a long term relationship (LTR). And I decided to document my experiences. Some of them are too funny to keep to my small circle of friends. Others are valuable and I want to pass them on to other daters. I predict that there will be several posts about dating in the coming weeks and months (I hope not years) as I made it a priority to find “the one.”

I started “full-time” in July. What does that mean? I began to dedicate a significant portion of my free time to reading about the topic, refining my online profiles (yes, several) and meeting people. Here is the first lesson I learned.

  • Patience. It takes longer than I thought.



July Favorites

Here is a laundry list of people, experiences, readings, videos, tidbits, etc that occupied my mind during July. I hope you find some of them as enriching as I did:

  • Re-reading this because she portrays the challenges of immigrating and making a living in this country so vividly.
  • Highly recommend this wonderful exhibition showing the works of JMW Turner. If you don’t live near San Francisco I would say to get a book and admire his work. His depictions of light will leave you breathless.
  • If you are dating or looking to improve your current relationships, I recommend you subscribe to Polina’s emails. Out of many emails that spam my inbox, her information is so well-written, helpful, and always hits the nail on the head. Her last one was about “7 red flags that he’s emotionally unavailable” and I could not believe how spot-on she was. I shared the article with a bunch of my girl-friends and they all loved the truths it contained.
  • In this video, Avalaura Beharry briefly explains chakras, reiki, and other basic spiritual concepts that I have always wondered about.
  • July was brewing month. The scobys grew like crazy in my warm dining room. I can now make a new scoby within a week. Wondering what I am talking about? If you tried Kombucha and love it, try making it yourself. Its so easy. I followed these instructions – they are perfect. Just make sure you have plenty of black tea and sugar in your pantry and you are ready to go. I found the best $$ deal of black tea at Whole Foods (their brand).
  • My July Favorite Quote (and I read a lot of quotes on Instagram each day)
    • To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself. (Thich Nhat Hanh)

Happy August!